The Day That Harry Snapped
by captainwhiteshadow
Summary: Harry wakes up one morning and realizes he hates everyone. So what does he do? Go on a killing spree of course! Rated for mentions of sex, lots of violence, bad language, and Snape.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: I have no idea why I wrote this crap. Normally I'd be above this trolling bullshit, but right now I'm pretty much writing down the first things that come to mind for a demented, hopefully somewhat humorous HP fic. If you actually enjoy this, I'm gonna question your taste in fiction…lol, so enjoy! =D**

_The Day That Harry Snapped_

One morning Harry Potter woke up and said "Fuck it!"

And then he killed Dumbledore, who was fucking Hermione at the time, who was loving every minute of it. And Ron came in and he was like, "What the bloody hell, mate? That was bloody uncalled for! Bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody, BLOODY!"

And then Harry shoved the ginger's wand up his ass and yelled "Avada Kedavra!" like a sexy beast, and Ron's ass exploded like the 4th of July.

Harry ran through the halls, screaming for vengeance, as he mind-raped everyone with the powers of Legilimency that he had acquired from a dream within a dream within dream, and he ran into the mentally challenged and socially awkward Neville Longbottom, who was all like, "H-h-h-h-h-h-hello, H-H-H-H-Harry P-P-P-Pott—"

"Shut the fuck up, Neville!" Harry yelled, and he pushed Neville over. "Fucking cunt, Neville…"

Neville made a _nyoooorn~_ sound as he pouted.

Harry continued on his quest of vengeance against the people who pissed him off—that being pretty much everyone, since he was a whiny, 'deep-thinking,' emo fifteen-year-old—and he just so happened to run into one incredibly unlucky, greasy-haired, hook-nosed Potions Master.

Professor Snape sneered at him. "Potter! What are you doing wandering the halls like a _**DICK ASS**_? 4,328,765,809,237,605,873,408,513,476 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

"Well, at least _my_ parents loved me," Harry shot back with a shrug as he walked passed a fuming and violently swearing Snape. "Oh, and you might want to look for another job. I killed Dumbledore."

"You _what?_" Snape's eyes widened. "What the _hell_, man?"

Harry shrugged. "I dunno, old people just piss me off for some reason. I mean, it's not like a had any real good reason to kill the man who sent me to live with relatives that abused me my entire life, has manipulated me for five years straight, let me fight a basilisk on my own when I was twelve despite clearly knowing where I was because he sent Fawkes to 'help' me, and is probably going to use me for some asinine plan of his that will force me to sacrifice myself for a bunch of people who either love me or hate me depending on what the _Daily Prophet_ has to say about me, all for the sake the 'the greater good.'"

There was silence between the Boy-Who-Lived and the former Death Eater. "I see your point," Snape said. He then paused before giving him a sultry look. "_Sooo_…since I'm a weak, desperate man who likes to change sides like Longbottom changes underwear every time he sees me, and now that Dumbledwarf is out of the picture, how about I become _your_ new man-slave?"

Harry felt his eye twitch and he whipped out his wand. "_Repello Pedophilio!_"

Snape was blasted back several feet and knocked into Professor Flitwick, who looked up at him in surprise and then blushed and pulled him into a wet, sloppy make-out session. "Mmrphgrbrphgrr!" Snape yelled, and Flitwick took that as the world's hottest pick-up line before he proceeded to charm the Potion Master's clothes off.

Harry, wanting to preserve his virgin eyes, immediately ran out of the corridor and towards the entrance hall. When he reached the door, he kicked it open like a badass and started firing curses left and right, knocking out several unsuspecting first year students. Some of them started firing back at him, and it soon became an all out war. Blood, wands, left shoes, and panties all flew every which way in this gruesome free-for-all, but in the end it was Harry who stood victorious.

He was hunched over, sweating profusely and panting. He dramatically wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead and glared out at the sea of bodies around him. Yes…finally! Never again would they sneer and gawk at the ugly scar on his forehead. Never again would he have to listen to how they _thought_ they understood him when they clearly didn't, because he was fifteen and knew everything. Foolish bastards.

"Harry Potter! I challenge you to a duel!" a feminine voice called from behind.

He whipped his head around to see a fifth-year Slytherin girl who had long black hair, pale skin, band emerald eyes that looked strikingly like his own. But the thing that surprised him most was the lightning-bolt shaped scar on her forehead! He glared at her. "And just who the hell are you?"

The girl smiled proudly, apparently overjoyed that she was being given attention. She placed her hands on her hips and declared proudly, "I am Marian Susan, formerly know as Marian Potter before I was adopted, and I am your long lost twin sister who was also shot with the Killing Curse and lived. I'm in Slytherin despite being incredibly nice and I love Muggle-borns; and Draco is my bishie boyfriend. Oh! And since I'm a couple seconds older than you, I alone inherited the true Potter family will and now I'm the owner of a castle, a manor, six large houses, Fort Knox, the lost city of Atlantis, and seventy-five billion Galleons. And along with that inheritance, I found out I'm the descendant of all four Hogwarts founders, Merlin, Morgana le Faye, Criss Angel, Nicholas Flamel, and the guy who invented Dunkin' Donuts! So that means I own Hogwarts, am the Head of nine different houses, know an endless amount of ancient magic—which I can also do wandless, by the way—have a bottomless Gringotts Vault, and know how to recreate the Sorcerer's Stone and become immortal…not that I'd need it, considering I'm half-vampire so I have all the benefits of being a vampire with none of the weaknesses, and I also have elf blood inside of me that makes me completely osm!" she finished with a smug grin.

Harry didn't know whether it was impressive of terrifying that she'd said all that in one breath. After a moment of contemplating the girl, he pointed his wand at her and yelled, "Avada Kedavra!" And she was dead. Yup, she definitely annoyed him to the point where he didn't care about the fact that he had a sister.

Suddenly, the doors to the front entrance burst open and Hermione came running out, screaming like a banshee, "Harry! Why'd you have to kill Dumbledore in the middle of our love making!"

"Well, you're my wife anyway, so you shouldn't have been sleeping with him to begin with," Harry stated.

Hermione blinked. "What?"

Harry pulled out a magical contract that he'd received at some point in the past that the author is not going to go into at the moment. "Read it and weep."

Hermione snatched the parchment from the bespectacled boy's hands and quickly scanned it, her eyes growing wider with every word she read. "Harry…this is…this is saying that you and I are bonded! And that you're also bonded to Luna Lovegood, Ginny Weasley, Daphne Greenegrass, Cho Chang, Susan Bones, Marietta Edgecrombe, Gabriella Delacour, Fleur Delacour, Nymphadora Tonks, Narcissa Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, Alicia Spinnet, Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Su Li, Hannah Abbot, and like seventeen other girls I've never even heard of…. What the hell, Harry?"

"They're marriage contracts that I inherited," Harry explained as he began walking aimlessly over the hundreds of dead bodies lying on the ground.

"But…but _how_? And why, Harry? Why do you have such a massively large harem that no one man could possibly have time for?" Hermione pleaded.

Harry shrugged. "I dunno. It's a shitty plot device. Hey, did you know that, according to my sister, I'm the descendant of Merlin?"

"You have a sister?" Hermione blinked. She began to follow him, wanting answers to her endless questions.

"_Had_ a sister," Harry replied with a low, mischievous chuckle.

Hermione blanched. "You're sick, Harry. Seriously, get help."

He put an arm around her and sighed contentedly. "Hermione…I believe this is the start of a _beautiful _friendship/marriage/master-slave relationship. 'Cause up 'til now you've bugged the hell out of me. I love you, dear."

"I hate you, Harry!"

"Ahh…," Harry sighed with a grin. "Beautiful."


End file.
